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Cronkite, Fly Detective Extraordinaire

1994 Woodrow Wilson Collection


(Setting) Itsy and Bitsy are sitting in the Bio Lab, catching a few rays from the UV light they had just used in the Chromatography Lab.

Itsy: "Hey Bitz, toss me some more of that SPF-30, would you? I sure don't want any mutations on my bodacious bod. With my luck I would grow another eye like Wolfina down the street. I would hate to be called "Ole NINE EYES."

Bitsy: "Speaking of eyes, wasn't that a great lab on eye mutations? I really like chromatography, it is sort of an Artsy thing, very pretty paper."

Itsy: (With an exasperated sigh) "Geez, Bitz, sometimes you really don't see the big picture at all. All of the things we've studied, everything we've learned about DNA science has practical applications in the everyday world."

Bitsy: (In a testy voice) "O mighty Science One!!! Please continue."

Itsy: "Now, now, no need to get gritchy, I was simply referring to good ole Uncle Don."

Bitsy: "The fly detective? What does he have to do with this?

Itsy: (With the beginnings of excitement in voice) "Are you kidding, Uncle Don was the ultimate Geneticist. He used all his knowledge about DNA, restriction enzymes, gel electrophoresis, and Quattro Pro to become one of the most successful Fly Forensic specialists in the world. I remember one of his most famous cases ever. The case of Freddie's Friendly Fruit Market."

Itsy and Bitsy sit transfixed as if remembering.

(At this point, students should complete the activity "Fly Forensics" and then return to dialogue.)

Bitsy: "Wow! Itsy, I stand corrected, that was a very exciting case. Tell me more about Uncle Don."

Itsy: (Settling in a chair comfortably as if it is going to be a long story) "Uncle Don was a great guy, very dedicated to the study of genetics. He was very respected in all Lycosidae circles. He spent some time in the research labs at Hope College perfecting his skills and increasing his knowledge. At a very young age, he was at the top of his field. Always striving for more. Until that fatal day in late fall when his detective work caught up with him."

Bitsy: (On the edge of seat) "Go on, go on, don't leave me in suspense."

Itsy: (A bit tearful) I'm sorry, it's just that the whole story gets me choked up. (Taking a deep shuddering breath) Bitsy, there's something you should know about what some humans like to do to our species. You see, humans have this uncanny desire to preserve Lycosa in the most peculiar way. They capture our kind, anesthetize the victim and poke a hole in the abdomen, then they zap you in a microwave for 30 seconds. This causes the body to do a macabre dance of death, all the while the humans are laughing in glee. At the end of this bizarre ritual, Lycosa are left standing in a lifelike pose, preserved forever. These poor unfortunate souls are then usually put on display in a Bio Lab, much like Uncle Don is over on that shelf."

Bitsy: (With a horrified look on face) "Oh my, I could have lived forever without knowing that. What case was Uncle Don working on?"

Itsy: (As if thinking aloud) "I believe he was on the trail of the Antennapedia Serial Killer, right here in this very lab. He was about to capture the suspect when BLAM, he was scooped up in a kill jar by _______________________ (Insert your Bio teacher's name) and you know the rest of the story."

Bitsy: "Ugh! How horrible, lets not think about all this depressing stuff anymore. Let's go out for Larva Pizza, with antenna sprinkles."


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